Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Apple iPhone Emoticons

Apple, what do you have against tacos?
I know this seems ridiculous, but after an iMessage conversation, and the need to use a taco emoticon, I am seriously questioning my iPhones beliefs.
Why a taco, you’re asking? I was trying to be funny [side note: I always think I’m funny] and answer my boyfriends question of “Have you done any writing yet” with a “Nooo… and I don’t wanna taco 'bout it,” only to come to the realization that this would be a perfect place to put a taco emoticon. I’m not an avid emoticon user, in fact I hardly venture outside my standard five that I use all the time. But hey, it was a Wednesday night and I was feeling adventurous. So I went searching. And searching. When I came to the two and a half pages of food emoticon options, what I found was disappointing. There were roughly eight images having to do with sushi and Asian cuisine, several to do with fast food, lots of desserts and the weirdest and most redundant fruits and vegetables.Why would I ever need to use an eggplant, or better yet, the half eaten eggplant that sits to the left of it. You give us the option of selecting a red or green apple, and two different meats with bones sticking out of it; one shaped like a chickens drumstick, and one like a square drumstick (also questionable). I guess they're there for those dire situations when your friends really need to know you had a red apple, and not a green one. In that case, what about a yellow apple – Golden Delicious apples still exist you know. And what about your logo, a white apple, to represent your company? This isn't very good cross promotion on your part. You even have a cup of green tea, and a sake container complete with its shot glass. Yet, no taco.

Needless to say, my attempts to be funny in my iMessage were lost. And I don’t want to point fingers, but I’m 99% sure its from the lack of my taco emoticon, and not my terrible joke. My final attempt to get a laugh came from texting my best friend the same funny message. Thank god she gets my humour. What started as an ego-stroking conversation, quickly led to a "No, this emoticon is more ridiculous" discussion. This eventually turned into, "What the EFF, Apple, why do you not have practical ones?" My friend made a great point – what about a face palm face (for when you realize you're wearing your underwear inside out- trust me it's happened) Or what about the middle finger, or better yet, and probably the most important; a Canadian flag.  Further research into this lead me to realize that Apple has 10 flag options, three of which are Asian. The others represent America, Russia, France, Great Britain… all popular countries. Are you saying that Canada isn’t worthy of a ‘popular country’ emoticon, Apple? While we’re on this subject, where is the hockey emoticon? You have a variety of International sports covered with your choices, yet no hockey puck and stick. Why would I ever need to use a magic eight ball emoticon? Even if there were eight balls regularly being used in the world, which there isn’t, I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my friends about it.
“Hey Vicky, today the [insert eight ball] told me I was going not going to have a good day.”
And even if you were referring to the eight ball as a Pool reference, which I only just realized, why would you tell someone you lost a game of pool with the black ball via text– just lie, they weren't there. 

If I was to assume you were a person based on your emoticon selection, this is how you would come across:
You suffer from something called a multiple personality disorder, why else would you have 84 different faces or emotions all in the span of four pages?
You love notebooks, all seven colours of them, and you’re secretly obsessed with snail mail and the things they go in; those are called mailboxes PS. You may or may not have a drug problem that has put you deep with the wrong people; why else would you have drugs, needles and guns on the same page as stacks of money?

You clearly have an obsession with all things to do with transportation. Trains, planes, cable cars, boats, vehicles, fire trucks, the list goes on and on. We get it, you love moving objects. But maybe this obsession with transportation has to do with trying to get you one step closer to your other obsession; the moon. I knew that rocket was there for a reason. You have every possible outcome of how the moon can appear, and in multiple ways. Why? If I wanted to tell someone what the moon looked like, I would tell them to get off their lazy ass, go outside and look up at the sky to see its beauty, not send a Disney emoticon. While we’re on this subject, why is it that you loved the idea of ‘Disney' looking cute animals for the first one and a half pages, then randomly switched to some of the most realistic drawings of animals in the entire panel of emoticons? You clearly don’t suffer from OCD or this would really bother the hell out of you. It would also bother you to know that the same emoticon multiples in all colours of the rainbow, don’t follow the order of the rainbow colour. A yellow heart beside a blue heart; that is just outrageous. 

You are clearly of Asian decent with a strong wanting to be American. If it wasn’t a dead giveaway with the food options (nobody eats that much sushi and desserts in one conversation), it’s the fact that you have four or five unexplainable emoticons in the ‘festive celebrations’ section – holidays I didn’t even know existed. Such as the two fish hanging on to a strippers pole, no lie, look it up. Finally, you are an 80-year old man who appreciated classical music. Why else would you have a typewriter, cassette tape, floppy disk, a pager and a wood panel TV, along with a french horn in one section?

Long story short. Apple, I want a taco, Canadian flag and maybe a cowboy hat.
With all the random things you have, I think you can make an exception for these quite normal requests.